Metal Lungies

“Live” in the sense that I typed this up as the draft was going on, but not “Live” in the sense that the draft (or, at least, the part of the draft that I wrote about) has been over for a little while now. Enjoy, after the jump, if you want to. If not, I’ll still be satisfied, as live-blogging has proven to be quite a therapeutic exercise — I finally had a reason to be a dick to people who called my house at night.

Greg Oden goes #1 to Portland, surprising no one. How happy must David Stern be that Oden, who (with his jolly-old-man looks and big smile) could potentially be the next “face” of the NBA, landed in Portland just in time to miss Rasheed Wallace (“There’s no weed in the car, officer. We smoked it all.”), Damon Stoudamire (“Hiding my stash in aluminum foil before boarding a plane – what could possibly go wrong?“), and Qyntel Woods (“Dog-fighting’s illegal? That’s not what Vick said!”).

ESPN makes it too easy to make of fun of them — they just listed Kevin Durant as a “Foward” out of Texas. Fo sho!

Oden’s got a cold and mentions to Stuart Scott that he put on hand sanitizer before shaking the commissioner’s hand. I smell a marketing opportunity.

Stephen A. Smith says, “You can’t teach 7 feet!” True, but if you’re in the Chinese government, you sure can breed it!

Trade Time: Boston gets Ray Allen and the #35 pick, Seattle gets Wally Szczerbiak (the first Z is silent), Delonte West (the “hopeless romantic”), and the #5 pick. If there’s any better time to rebuild, it’s when you’re not even sure what city you’re gonna be playing in over the next couple years. Las Vegas, Kansas City, Oklahoma City — you’re cooking from scratch now, though Kevin Durant (picked #2, surprising even less people than Oden going #1) is a good place to start.

Meanwhile, Boston appears to have made their star, Paul Pierce, pretty happy. The Lakers could learn something from Danny Ainge. I feel awful typing that.

Another huge find from Stuart Scott — Kevin Durant’s got a crush on Beyonce. So, at least in one way, Durant’s a normal human being.

Al Horford goes #3 to Atlanta. I would’ve liked this pick more if Atlanta hadn’t passed over Chris Paul, Deron Williams, and Brandon Roy (who could play the point) over the past 2 years. When asked for a quote, Atlanta GM Billy Knight said, “Who needs a point guard when you can be in the lottery every year?”

Mike Conley, Jr. goes #4 to Memphis. Mike Conley, Sr., who’s representing both his son and Oden, can be seen running around the stage, screaming “Cha-ching!” and pumping his fist.

Jeff Green goes #5 to Seattle (by way of Boston). So, you just drafted your small forward of the future in Durant — why not draft another small forward? Two’s company!

Yi Jianlian goes #6 to Milwaukee. Andy Katz mentions that Yi’s representation tried to avoid getting him picked by the Bucks by not letting the team watch his workout — Yi could probably use some new representation right about now. And why interview the dude when he speaks practically no English? Stuart Scott asked him what he likes most about the U.S. so far, and all I could make out was “L.A.” I can only assume that that’s a reference to the city of Los Angeles, and not some pet name for his favorite overweight comedian.

Stuart Scott points out that Yi wears Sean John — “Yi Diddy”, anyone? Too soon for a nickname?

Corey Brewer goes #7 to Minnesota. That means that Joakim Noah, the star of the Florida Gators in ’06 who bypassed the draft to stick around one more year, will be the last of the Gators’ Big 3 to be drafted. Also, Noah’s wearing his hair down. It’s quite a sight — imagine Snoop Dogg if he were light-skinned and ugly(-er). Plus he’s rocking a bowtie. It’s as if Noah looked in the mirror and thought to himself, “How can I look like a complete jackass?” ESPN reports that he scrapped the tuxedo t-shirt idea at the last minute.

Brandan Wright goes #8 to Charlotte. As far as Michael Jordan-drafted players, he’s got big shoes to fill, after Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison — in other words, so long as he can pay attention to the game being played and avoid being called a “flaming faggot”, he should be OK. Jay Bilas thinks Wright is a “steal” — knowing Jordan (which I don’t), he was probably itching more to make a “gamble”.

Noah goes #9 to Chicago. No better way to test his offensive abilities then by putting him next to Ben Wallace. I’ve said enough about Noah already, so, instead… let’s watch him dance!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ3y5hTHuP4[/youtube]

Stuart Scott mentions the shampoo that Noah uses — Bumble and Bumble. Stu, you’re a god-send. And an idiot. More an idiot, actually.

Spencer Hawes goes #10 to Sacramento. Cali is just going to love dude’s views on our President. And he rides for DipSet. I bet he feels like a “Black Republican”.

Hey, Stephen A. Smith’s mad! Who didn’t see that coming? He doesn’t like Noah to the Bulls, saying that they don’t need any more “energy” guys. Loves him some cheese doodles, though.

Acie Law IV goes #11 to Atlanta. Considered the 2nd best point guard in the draft, he’ll likely be the Hawks’ starter at that position. You’re not so bad after all, Billy Knight.

Atlanta’s new jerseys look like All-Star game jerseys. If you can’t produce any all-stars, might as well dress your players up like ’em.

Sal Paolantonio mentions that Philadelphia has been trying to trade into the top #10, particularly with the Bucks for Yi Diddy (see, it works already). Sal mentions that the talks have been “furious”. I could imagine something along the lines of Philly’s reps telling Milwaukee’s reps, “What are you, stupid? He doesn’t wanna play for your team! ARGH!”

Thaddeus Young goes #12 to Philly. Lots of “ooohs” in the crowd. Maybe someone slipped and took a bad fall.

Julian Wright goes #13 to New Orleans. The less I know about these players, the more inclined I am to talk about other shit. So, since New Orleans is the topic here, this Lil’ Wayne impersonator that XXL found is killing me. Dare I say, I feel like dy-ing.

Wright mentions to Stuart Scott that he took up bowling because he was looking for another competitive sport. How about the fact that it requires absolutely no athleticism whatsoever?

Al Thorton goes #14 to the Clippers. I thought they’d go for Javaris Crittenton, since their current options at point guard include someone pushing 40 years old and someone with a mangled knee. [I’d link to a video of Livingston suffering the injury, but I haven’t eaten yet.]

Rodney Stuckey goes #15 to Detroit. A big-time scorer at Eastern Washington. Comparisons to Dwyane Wade are being made, though, I’m sure plenty of people could be the “Dwyane Wade” of Eastern Washington. Stuckey has the dubious honor of filling in the asterisk in Orlando’s trade with Detroit for Darko Milicic.

Nick Young goes #16 to Washington. Local boy! Hope he’s ready for Gilbert Arenas to pull some slick shit on him.

Trade Time II: New York gets Zach Randolph, Dan Dickau, and Fred Jones (WHO? Fred Jones!), Portland gets Steve Francis and Channing Frye. Frye’s immunity to defense should pair him well with Oden, though I wonder where LaMarcus Aldridge fits in now? And the last of Portland’s troublemakers, Randolph, won’t be around to be a bad influence on young Greg — seriously, who leaves a strip club without paying? How do you go back after that? Granted, if you’re an easily-recognizable NBA player, it’s all good with the club owner, but, despite how grizzled he looks, Greg is just a kid. He needs to learn the right way to conduct himself at a strip club.

Meanwhile, New York gets another big man who can dominate in the East, yet can’t pass out of a double team. And they can sleep easier knowing that they won’t be paying Francis over $30 million to not play.

Sean Williams goes #17 to New Jersey. If you don’t know about Sean Williams and don’t want to like him, read this.

Marco Belinelli goes #18 to Golden State. First Euro-born player selected, and it took quite a while — my oh my, how the times have changed. Nikoloz Tskitishvili should pay a stipend to all future foreign-born draft picks for what he has done.

Kobe Bryant-nut-hugger Jim Gray reports on the Lakers’ current state of disarray, mentioning that, in addition to Kobe’s trade request, Phil Jackson is on the fence as far as signing an extension to be their coach. Ric Bucher adds that Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum to Indiana for Jermaine O’Neal is up to the Lakers, if they want it. My head is hurting trying to figure my team’s situation out.

Javaris Crittenton goes #19 to the Lakers. The Lakers needed a point guard, but a rookie point guard, leaving after one year of college? Didn’t we draft Jordan Farmar last year? Kobe must be spinning in his grave right now. I know, he’s not dead… but he’s dead to me.

Jason Smith goes #20 to Miami. I’ve read recently that Jason Kapono might be on his way out of Miami, so Smith should fill that “slow white guy who can shoot 3’s and is named Jason” void just fine.

Daequan Cook goes #21 to Philly Miami, who will give Jason Smith to Philly in exchange. Very odd. I figured that, if anything, Philly could use help in their backcourt more than another guy who doesn’t do much more than shoot 3’s (they already have Kyle Korver). You can now add Jason Smith to the list of players who got traded for Allen Iverson, which is probably an honor more worthy of celebration than playing for Philly.

Jared Dudley goes #22 to Charlotte. I’m calling “sleeper” on this one.

New York is on the clock and Spike Lee is being interviewed. He mentions that Isiah Thomas can draft well, name-dropping T-Mac and Damon Stoudamire amongst his examples. He declines to mention that part of the reason Isiah drafts well is because his teams don’t make the playoffs all that often.

Wilson Chandler goes #23 to New York. Spike’s clapping (he called this pick during his interview), though not many others in attendance are — but hey, they hated Jesus, baby. Considering that Renaldo Balkman got booed by the home-town fans at the draft last year and ended up turning in a surprisingly-solid rookie year, maybe booing their draft picks is the Knicks’ fans secret recipe for success.

Rudy Fernandez goes #24 to Phoenix Portland. Due to Rudy’s contract over in Europe, in order for him to play in the NBA next season, Rudy himself would have pay about $1 million. How do you say “fuck that shit” in Spanish?

Morris Almond goes #25 to Utah. Almond went to Rice University. I don’t know much about him, but he sounds delicious (nh). [For the record, before a friend calls me out on it, I used that same joke when the Lakers drafted Von Wafer 2 years ago.]

That new GMC commercial uses “Gutterfly” from Lifesavas’ new album of the same name as background music. Being Portland natives, Lifesavas must be twice as happy now.

Aaron Brooks goes #26 to Houston. With the Rockets already having Rafer Alston, and trading for Mike James, I doubt that Brooks will be that much of a contributor. Having watched more Pac-10 basketball than any other college conference this past season, I can say that dude was great at Oregon, and it’s always nice to see an undersized guard (under 6 feet) get that 1st-round guaranteed-contract money.

Ric Bucher says that, by trading Ray Allen, Seattle is now wanting to resign Rashard Lewis, to pair him with Kevin Durant and Jeff Green, so that they would have “interchangeable 6’9″ players”. Is this fucking calculus camp or something?

Arron Afflalo goes #27 to Detroit. Afflalo dropped out of the ’06 draft, which turned out to be wise move. Not a bad night for Detroit, though, getting two guards who could become solid pros. Perhaps they’re preparing themselves for the potential loss of free agent Chauncey Billups?

Tiago Splitter goes #28 to San Antonio. Yet another European player for the Spurs. Think about your favorite NBA player… now, consider that this Splitter guy will probably get a championship ring before that player you just thought of does.

Alando Tucker goes #29 to Phoenix. If this is the guy that I think it is, then I recall seeing him dunk a lot in college. Phoenix should be a good fit for him.

Petteri Koponen goes #30 to Philly Portland. He’s Finnish… and, on that note, that’s exactly what I’m about do. The 2nd round is never that much fun to watch anyways, and I sure as hell don’t want to write about it.

Hold up! Wait a minute! Apparently, Golden State is on the verge of trading Jason Richardson to Charlotte for their #8 pick, Brandan Wright. Stephen A. seems to think Charlotte is stupid for considering this trade. I know some Warriors fans who likely think quite the opposite.

Thanks for reading, and hopefully your team did something that makes you proud and/or will make you proud in the near future. And to Josh McRoberts, Gabe Pruitt, Marcus Williams, and all other underclassmen who declared early and didn’t get picked in the 1st round, better luck at next year’s draft work harder.

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