The Juno Awards, eh?

For most Americans (i.e. stupid people) Canada is sort of like mad-cow disease. Its something you hear about or make fun of every once and a while, but nothing that you really take seriously. Well, now that I am a resident of this fine country I am making it my business to show that Canada is more than just dank maple syrup and liberal marijuana laws. Case in point: The Juno Awards. On Sunday Calgary will host what some have called Canada’s version of the Grammys. In my mind nominations for guys like Marco Polo and Skratch Bastid put the Juno Awards on a completely different level. Then again every other nomination went to Michael Buble, Celine Dion, and Avril Lavigne, so there ya go. Heres a run down of some noteworthy nominations:

JUNO FAN CHOICE AWARD (PRESENTED BY DORITOS)
Avril Lavigne J/RCA*SONY BMG
Celine Dion SONY BMG
Claude Dubois Zone 3*Select
Michael Bublé Reprise*Warner
Nelly Furtado Geffen*Universal

The other night Avril Lavigne was playing Montreal and she said “It’s so great to be here…in Ontario!” Montreal is, in fact, not in Ontario, which prompted a backlash from uber-nationalist French Canadians. If she wins the fan choice award, the irony will almost be too much to bear. Also, since this award is sponsored by Doritos, I would like to request that anyone who wins it goes up to the podium and does the Waynes World Dorito scene. Haha, thatd be awesome.

SINGLE OF THE YEAR
Girlfriend-Avril Lavigne J/RCA*SONY BMG
1234-Feist Arts&Crafts*EMI
Paralyzer-Finger Eleven Wind-Up*Warner
Seven Day Fool-Jully Black Jully Black Entertainment*Universal
Everything-Michael Bublé Reprise*Warner

I really wasn’t kidding when I said Michael Buble was nominated for everything. If he wins this over Feist, I really won’t have much left to say for you Canada, sorry.

ALTERNATIVE ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Neon Bible-Arcade Fire Merge*FAB
LP-Holy Fuck Young Turks*Select
Close To Paradise-Patrick Watson Secret City*Fusion III
The Con-Tegan and Sara MapleMusic*Fontana North
Welcome To The Night Sky-Wintersleep Labwork*Sonic Unyon/EMI

This category does a little bit of justice to the quality of music that Canadians enjoy (seriously though they have better taste than Americans). Holy Fuck’s LP is lively, refreshing, and exhiliarating, and they are more than worthy of the nomination. Arcade Fire is Arcade Fire, they kick ass. Patrick Watson is a little bit too im-dark-and-mysterious-and-nobody-understands-me for my liking, but he’s undoubtedly a great songwriter. All in all its a solid category; why the hell weren’t these nominated for album of the year.

RAP RECORDING OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY 91.7 THE BOUNCE)
The Revolution-Belly CP*Fontana North
The FEWturistic-Brassmunk EMI
Memoirs Of A Playbwoy-JDiggz Maxamus*KOCH
Port Authority-Marco Polo Soulspazm/Rawkus*red ink
The Old Prince-Shad Black Box*Fontana North

“Nostalgia” is still my favorite hip-hop song from last year. Marco Polo gave Masta Ace a gift with that one, and he responded with conviction, and a passion for the struggle that is conspicuously absent from most rappers lines who claim to be true to the game. “Now a days it feels a little different when a man raps.” Tell me about it, Ace, tell me about it.

The Juno Awards will air Sunday April 6th on CTV. Check here for more info.

Note: Generalizations made in this article are only meant to spark a meaningful debate about the quality of Canadian culture. If I have offended you in any way feel free to contact me at canada.sucks@yourapussy.com