Apparently, before you get to stand under Rihanna‘s umbrella (ella, ella, ay, ay), you need Poppa Hova’s approval. According to People magazine, Jay-Z “screens” all of Rihanna’s potential dates:

“I just found out from a mutual friend that guys will talk to Jay first before they try to approach me… He’s very protective. Jay has my best interests in mind. If it’s a good guy I know Jay won’t shut him down. But if he’s not, Jay will be like, ‘No, no, no.’”

So young, so naive. Myself previously having been a potential suitor of Rihanna (… oh, just play along …) who has been through this so-called screening process, I’m calling “bullshit” here. I spoke to Jay about trying to set up a date, and I found out the real reason why he’s keeping tabs on the young star. And also, don’t think for a minute that Jay’s really spending time trying to “screen” dudes for Rihanna — I never even got to see Jay in person, only speaking to him through an intercom (on some Charlie’s Angels shit) and honestly, I don’t even think Jay was on the other end, it was just someone playing lyrics of his. Peep the transcript and see for yourself…

[I enter the Def Jam offices and am greeted by Jay's secretary, who offers me a Cherry Coke and Armadale. I decline. She leads me into a private room, with an intercom on the table. I sit down and clear my throat.]

Me: Uh… hello?

Jay: [after a few seconds of static] Friend or foe, yo? State ya biz.

Me: Who’s this? Angelous?

Jay: This is Jay, everyday.

Me: Oh, damn, my fault. Um, neither friend or foe, actually. Well, I guess if I had to pick one, I’d pick frie–

Jay: Let me guess. They said it was money ’round here?

Me: What? No. I, uh, met Rihanna the other day, and we sort of hit it off and she gave me her number, and when I called it, some guy told me to come here, and, uh, I’m not really sure what to make of–

Jay: You’re twitchin’. Don’t do that. You’re making me nervous.

Me: Sorry, Jay. I mean, I’m talking to one of my favorite rappers right now, this shit’s kinda overwhelming, you know?

Jay: I try to pretend that I’m different, but in the end, we’re all the same.

Me: Wow. That’s really humble of you to say. I mean, even though you’re worth millions of dollars and get praised for the work you do, we’re still all human beings, right?

Jay: Why you frontin’ on me? Is that necessary?

Me: No, no, of course not. I think you misunderstood me, all I’m saying is–

Jay: I got black cards, good credit and such.

Me: I don’t doubt that, I was–

Jay: One million, two million, three million, four.

Me: I know. I know.

Jay: You ain’t got enough stamps in your passport to fuck with young H-O.

Me: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Look, it’s great chatting about how much better than me you are, but really though, what’s up with Rihanna?

Jay: You had to see, she was calling me “Big”, and my name is Jay-Z, she be all on my dick.

Me: Ha! I knew it! Wait — why are you talking so fast? Ah, fuck it. Good shit though, Jay. Rihanna’s a dime, I can’t believe you pulled that off. But how you gonna keep this from Beyonce?

Jay: I never kiss her, never hold her hand. In fact, I diss her, I’m a bolder man.

Me: But you can’t keep that up forever, though. Plus I’m always hearing about how you and B might be tying the knot.

Jay: Wedding bells don’t make it rosey, MAAAAN!

Me: Point taken. But still though, the way Beyonce’s built, I don’t see how someone could need more than that.

Jay: ‘Cause what she prefers over me, is work.

Me: True that. Just be careful how far you take it with that girl, she came off like a lunatic in that “Ring The Alarm” video, acting like she’s got some sense of entitlement and shit.

Jay: What I look like givin’ a chick half my trap? Like she wrote half my raps? Yeah, I’m havin’ that.

Me: Stick to the script, man. But anyways, this has been fun and all, but the whole reason I’m here is to see what’s up with Rihanna. But I guess you’re probably keeping her to yourself now. Let me ask you this — is there any point in me even being here right now?

Jay: NOOOOOO!

Me: And what if I come across Beyonce and her people around town and tell them that you’ve got something going on with Rihanna on the side? What’s she gonna say to that?

Jay: “We don’t believe you! You need more people!”

Me: Oh, you think? Well, fuck having more people, because I’ve got our whole conversation ON TAPE! What you think about that?

Jay: Well, aren’t you sharp as a tack? You some type of lawyer or something? Somebody important or something?

Me: Maybe. How are you gonna stop me?

Jay: I’ll never make the news again. My man’ll shoot ya.

Me: Oh, I see how it is. [gets out of chair] Well, fuck this shit. I’m outta here.

Jay: Before you leave…

Me: Yeah?

Jay: … promise you’ll never, no matter the weather, ever ever ever ever ever ever come around here no more.

Me: Oh, you ain’t gotta worry about that. [closes door]