Metal Lungies

A true story that happened to me yesterday, had to share.

I’m driving to meet a friend for coffee. I get a little lost and decide to turn to a side street on the left side of the road. I file into the turning lane behind about 20 cars and patiently wait as the cars in front of me slowly turn out of the lane. Eventually there’s only a single car in front of me left, and I’m still waiting for it to turn.

I start to notice the cars behind me crossing over the middle lane just to get to the left side. Frustrated, I take a look at the car in front of me. I notice that there’s no one in the fuckin’ car, just two large dogs sitting in the passenger and driver’s seat! I’m getting really aggravated. I sit and wait for an open spot and while I’m waiting, a kinda haggard looking lady smoking a cigarette crosses the street and climbs into the car in front of me.

Good, I think, she’s going to move it! Apparently not; she just wanted to drop off her box of cigarettes in the car. At this point, I say “fuck it” and drive across the middle lane like everyone else. I should remind you that this lady left her car idling for at least about 10 minutes in a turning lane, during one of the busiest times of the day.

At the start of February I needed a small and affordable HDTV for my apartment  (because the ML HQ’s doesn’t need something fancy… in the shower). I saw a good price on a Vizio 20inch VX20L and bought it after seeing a few but positive comments on the internets. It looked fine out of the box when I first turned it on. Things looked even nicer after I tweaked the settings & colors. Then the problems started, first sometimes you would have to enter a channel twice for the tuner to get the signal (from cable), then it started randomly resetting it self. I was annoyed only to become furious when the TV started randomly freezing with about a 150 decibel squeal, which the first time it occurred had me reaching for my (non-existent) piece (and jumping up out of my chair). 

No worries though, Vizio would surely fix this, right? My first call to the non-toll-free number I was disconnected while being “transferred”. Then when I finally got through to some guy, I was told I would need a $500 hold on my credit card to get sent a replacement. I refused (I didn’t really have a trusting feeling of the company at this point) so I was told I would have to ship my TV in first to get a replacement. I was smitten, to get the process started I would have to be called back later in the day by someone! Some man called me back a few hours later to setup a box to be shipped out to me so I could send them my lemon. This was a 20 minute process, lengthened by me constantly having to yell “What??” because the guy was calling me from what seemed like a busy warehouse. In the end he said the box would arrive in about a week.

3 Weeks passed, no box, my ears ringing on the daily from that damn squeal. Needless to say, I was at rising blood pressure/rioting status when I called Vizio again, I talked to a guy, Jose (I think) he was nice and apologized for everything I’ve been through. He said it looked like I was entered into their system “wrong” or something and he would expedite me a box, he also provided a personal number to call him at if I had anymore issues. The box came in about a week, the next day came another box, then the day after than one more (too bad they weren’t with TVs), needless to say my UPS Lady was giving me suspicious looks. I shipped out the TV the day before I went off to Noise Pop (that feature is still coming, I swear!) to minimize a TV-less life. I got a new TV back about 3 weeks later, which hasn’t had any issues so far.

So you ask why I’m writing this now, well this e-mail reminded me of the whole ordeal:

(Yup, the Shipping Notification e-mail was sent about 3 weeks AFTER the actual ship date.)

Watch this thing break the day the warranty ends.

Man, it’s been a while since ML hosted a True Story post. Last one was back in July before I even joined the site. Basically

Earlier today I was in a Chapters (for our non-Canadian readers, it’s a crappier version of Borders or Barnes & Noble) browsing when I felt nature calling. I located the loo and did my business. When I went to the sink to wash my hands, there was a middle-aged lady looking around the bathroom with a puzzled look on her face. As I started the tap, she looks at me and asks:

“This isn’t the ladies room, is it?”

I tried my best not to laugh and shook my head. She thanked me and left. Wow.

All you ML readers from the west west might get a semi-chuckle out of this…

Taking the train to work, a girl in her early 20s was talking very loudly and I couldn’t help but hear a discussion going on about a friend taking a public bus somehwere in LA:

Girl: A bus in LA ??!

Guy: Yea…

Girl: Why would you take a bus in LA? or even the metro? We are on the metro here [in DC] cause traffic is so bad. But in LA? There is no taking the metro, there is no taking the bus, with the roads so open you drive your car!

The girl was geniunely annoyed that someone wouldn’t want to drive in LA. It was hard to keep a straight face as she stood next to me.

Please alert the authorities, ML is eavesdropping!

On my daily commute to work, the choice of radio programming isn’t something you would expect, it’s not hip-hop or even sportstalk. It’s the news station, which be dropping the traffic reports steady, because DC area traffic stays vicious. It can be the difference between a 30min commute or a 3 hour commute. Anyway, as the rest of the US the area is going through some higher than normal summer temperatures. It’s been the top story on the news for 2 days straight now. So what does the station who’s main audience are lawyers/government employees/shotgun riders of those aforementioned do to spice up the story?.

To the background music of Mims-This Is Why I’m Hot;

Middle aged white news guy #1: Yeah Dawg!

Middle aged white news guy #2: Call me Snooper

After a very brief awkward laughs, they went on their regular news guy talking shtick about the heatwave.

It was so awfully random/funny/cheesy that I jotted it down on paper so I wouldn’t forget to share it with you, our 3 loyal readers.

Kinda made me forgot about T.I. ruining a good song for the evils of sportscenter. Maybe more on that later.

I’ve ranted about ESPN’s (lack of) dedication to being a true sports network before. Last night I saw something straight out of the Spiderman – MLB chronicles of cross promotion gone wrong as I was trying to fall asleep. They have a spot airing that is a cross-promotion of Baseball Tonight & the new Fantastic Four movie.

A description of the ad:

ESPN has teamed with the film on a promotion for its Baseball Tonight series. The commercial has anchor Karl Ravech and analyst John Kruk playing in the ESPN studio with Silver Surfer and Thing action figures. Later, the Thing is playing with bobblehead of Ravech and Kruk, knocking off the head of Kruk’s bobblehead.

I couldn’t sleep knowing grown men like Ravech & Kruk play with action figures of comic book characters. I understand cross-promotion, but Baseball Tonight & Fantastic Four have nothing in common. What’s next Stephen A. Smith dressed as a pirate on the set of NBA Shootaround for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie?? I’m just glad that they didn’t have Peter Gammons make a joke of himself.
Oh where art thou classic “This Is Sportcenter” ads? (YouTube!)

I think I’ll watch one of my favs to help me fall asleep at work today:

Last night I was closing up at my work and one of my co-workers mentioned that he had the new Young Buck CD via promo. Naturally, I was excited to see and hear it and I offered my man a ride home. As always, on the way home he dropped some classic freestyles, both acapella and over the numerous beat tapes I had in my vehiclc. In fact, I was so enthralled by his raps that night we forgot to listen to the Buck album. So we reached his home and he let me borrow it in exchange for one of my beat CDs. I gladly accepted and then spent the next two hours lost on the winding streets of Anacostia and adjacent DC. All this time I was distressed over not being able to find my way out of Anacostia and I neglected the Buck album. So I finally reached the highway (after I asked like 20 people, none of which talked to me, one person even threw something at me) and listened to the Buck CD on the way home.

I can honestly say I wasn’t impressed. Dude has put out a “Rotten Apple” so to speak. There are no “Stomps” no “Let Me In”. None of that true fire I anticipated from Young Buck. Thats not to say its bad. Its just not that great. In the end you’re still better off listening to mixtape Buck.

I’m not gonna post a full review cause I got the clean version of the album. But I’m sure when I “fill in the fucks” shit still won’t be that hot.

I guess thats it for the Unit then……….

By way of introduction…..

A few weeks ago I began to get this odd feeling in the bottom of my gut. I would wake up in the morning with my breath smelling like ether. Not the same substance which Nas used to burn his greatest rival. But a fume that came from the poison welling up in my stomach. The idea for a cure came to me in a dream: “Start a BLOG”, the dream said. So I made this:

http://newyorkrap.blogspot.com/

It’s a BLOG about New York, Hip-Hop, and our decaying American Empire.
I showed it around the Internets. Your boy DJ Lethal (The man who runs this site, not the DJ from House of Pain) must have liked it because he asked me to join the team at METAL LUNGIES.

I told him like this: I’d be honored.

So to begin:

Face facts: Hip Hop is dead. And I don’t want to hear anyone saying it’s still alive like ya’ll ain’t in agreement with Nas (He said It’s dead motherfucker!)

1. I intend to celebrate it’s memory with every word I utter (type).

2. Just because the shit is dead doesn’t mean there isn’t still good music being made. I’m gonna find it and celebrate that too.

3. I come from a hip hop tradition and that informs everything I do and have done in my adult life. But all music comes from the same place (and will one day return there when it dies) and I reserve the right to post any kind of music I wish.

4. I’d like to say peace to all the lovely people out there and say thanks to my new compadres at Metal Lungies.

Now, I’d like to jump it off with a joint from Nas, who was with Hip Hop during her final moments and came out the room to break the sad news to the rest of us (we were all pacing the hallways). The reason why Nas is the best rapper alive is because he can swagger and boast with the best of them but he can also be introspective and self-critical (something most rappers refuse to do). In this song, from some ancient mixtape I had in my closet, Nas describes how he went from Illmatic to “ehh” and back. It is one of the most honest hip hop songs I’ve ever heard.

“Read a book on Pablo Escobar and got on some shit”

This is a real lo-fi MP3 and usually I try to strictly post songs with high bit-rates. But this song was too fitting and it’s worth a listen:

Nas: The Rise And Fall

Until next time Kiddies
My Name is Blind Boy Grunt.
an’ I’m out.
Peace!

Over the past two weeks I have spent an increasing amount of time in the magical land of Baltimore. The first of my recent outings occurred when I went to some loud hookah bar with a couple of old friends. Besides the waitress being mentally disabled this was a fairly uneventful night. The real shit popped off at Virgin Fest.

I would have to say one of the stand-out performances of the entire festival was RJD2. We arrived early to see him and it was more than worth it. Watching this dude mix 20+ minute dance songs using constantly changing records, and without headphones, was like watching a miracle. I highly recommend anyone who ever has the chance to see him should run to get tickets.

Before the Festival I never had previously seen a major rock band live. But by the time the Raconteurs came on I had already had at least one person fall on me as a result of crowd surfing. While I am not a huge fan of modern rock I would have to say that the Raconteurs put on a great show. My favorite part was when they did their rendition of Nancy Sinatra’s “Bang Bang” with Jack White using a specially tuned mic that was placed so while he sang his back was to the crowd.

When Gnarls Barkley came on the crowd seemed subdued for just about every song besides Crazy. But Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse definitely put down an incredible show dressed as Romans for this venue. They put a lot of time into Jokes and story telling too. I wonder if I was the only one yelling for Khujo and Gipp in the crowd?

I have nothing to say about the Who. They were everything I expected and more. They laid shit down. Classic to Classic. Laid Down. Cop that DVD. Life changing.

When the Chilli Peppers came on I had already been hit by a total of 9 people crowd surfing. During their show I was hit by about 10 more. Fucking bananas. I have never seen a performer get so energetic. They ran shit. They played through all the classics and then when they left people were stomping and chanting so loud that they came out and did damn near a whole other show as an encore.

But that wasn’t the end of B-more fun. Last night I went to a another better hookah bar with a friend and after watching Belly Dancing, eating some good food, and smokin’ some great tabaccy we let to see that my car had been towed. Now don’t get it twisted, I fly high, but I just didn’t have that amount needed to free my vehicle (89 Maxima BALLIN!!) in cash on me at the time. So we took a cab back to UMBC and I got that money and left to get my car the next day. Suprisingly, I was so happy with the the whole experience that I wasn’t at all angry about my car getting towed.

But my god do I need sleep.

Maybe a shower first……..

JP: btw
JP: i hope it’s safe to microwave styrofoam
Pal: uh
Pal: it’s totally not
JP: because i just heated up last night’s mexican food
JP: hahah
JP: dude don’t lie
Pal: seriously, that’s a no no
JP: haha
JP: well crap
JP: i just put it in the microwave for 2 minutes
Pal: put some metal in there, it’ll be like a double neg and cancel it out
JP: if i die you can have my dignity
Pal: so i’d get nothing?

This little conversation prompted me to do some research, which led me to:

http://howthingswork.virginia.edu/microwave_ovens.html

This is the most amazing Q&A set I have ever read. If you’ve ever wondered about microwaves and how they work, check this page out. My favorite question has to be:

My husband put a large metal bowl in our new microwave oven and tore a small hole in the oven’s metal screen while trying to close the door. My husband isn’t concerned, but the oven is mounted over the stove at face level and it certainly concerns me. Can we use it? — E, Ontario, Canada

I still haven’t figured out if styrofoam is hazardous after being nuked.

-JP